The Lowest of Lows: My Perimenopause Depression

It started slowly. I noticed I was slipping.

I couldn't show up for myself long enough to finish a 20-minute walk on the treadmill. Just walking. Date nights that used to feel fun and exciting became something I had to force myself into, dragging myself to the shower just to get ready. My kids would come home from school bursting with energy, wanting to talk, play, and get through homework, and I was scraping together the last bit of energy I had left for the day.

All of it together made me feel like I wasn't capable of being a person. Not being able to show up as a mom, or as a wife, was the worst feeling I've ever known. Some days I wondered if I was even meant for this life.

Some days all I wanted was to lie on the sofa with my eyes closed while my kids played around me. I could hear them laughing, dancing, singing, arguing, then playing again. My husband would ask me to go for a walk and get some fresh air, and that was the last thing I wanted. No bright sun. No people. Just a dark room and a mindless reality show. (Bravo, to be exact.)

And then, slowly, you come out of it. You come back to life. You look back at the past few days and think, Why did I feel that way? What is happening in my body that brought me that low?

For me, this is the depression of perimenopause. This is the "lowest of lows" we hear women talk about.

So What Do We Do?

Honestly, I don't think there's one straightforward answer. Our hormones are shifting, our cycles are changing, and so much of it feels out of our hands. Sometimes the kindest thing is to let your body move through it:

• Let yourself cry.
• Drink water, even when you don't feel like it.
• Eat, even if it's something small.
• Tell people you don't feel good: your partner, your mom, a friend, a neighbor.

It doesn't have to be a conversation. A text message counts. Just put the feeling into words and let someone in.

And please, talk to your doctor. Perimenopause depression is real, it's common, and there are treatment options. You don't have to just white-knuckle your way through it.

This Time Will Pass

If you're in this phase right now, the "I can't do this" phase, the "this is more than just too tired" phase, I'm so sorry. This time will pass. And if it ever feels like it won't, or you start feeling like you don't want to be here, reach out right away. In the US you can call or text 988 Emotional Support Line, any time.

Sincerely,
I've been there too.
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This article shares one woman's personal experience and is for general information, not medical advice. Please talk with your healthcare provider about your symptoms and treatment options. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (US) or contact your local emergency services.